If there is one thing that I know well, it is putting on a strong face when needed and pretending that I'm not vulnerable to the hurt that has come my way. I always thought that was the easiest way to deal with your problems; to decide that you didn't care and they don't affect you. Unfortunately it is never as easy as it seems; simply pretending doesn't make it reality just as pushing away hurt doesn't make it any less painful. It wasn't until I allowed myself to feel the pain of the trauma I've endured that I was able to free myself. To say "yes this hurt me" was one of the most difficult things I had to do. Once I was able to do this, I realized this is what I needed the entire time. The solutions to my problems weren't simply to pretend that they didn't exist but to take them head on and deal with them so they couldn't haunt me later.
For most of my teenagehood, I've had the burden of dealing with the abandonment of my father. Since it happened, I always felt like I needed to be strong for my family. I couldn't let my family know how much pain I felt because I needed them to know that it would all be okay. I always said that it didn't bother me and I'd be able to move on with my life. I couldn't show that I was hurting because that would make it all real and I'd be forced to acknowledge that I had an emotional obstacle to overcome.
I continued to live my life as if I wasn't affected by this trauma until one day I had a meeting with my high school counselor about applying to colleges and randomly this topic came up. She said, "This is such a huge event in your life, how did you cope?" and it was at that moment that I realized I never did.
I never allowed myself to go through a process of coping because I was always trying to be strong for everyone else. I never talked about it because that would mean I would have to relive that part of my life and I hadn't conditioned myself to being able to do that without breaking down. I never acknowledged that something tragic happened to me and that I was allowed to hurt.
It didn't make me less strong of a person because I needed to cry about it and I needed to admit that I was hurt because of it. I actually learned it takes more strength to admit that you aren't invincible.
Once I realized this, I began to talk about it more. Each time I opened up to someone about what I happened, I was able to heal a little bit more. I was able to say "This really hurt me and that's okay because I'm learning to live with it". I allowed myself to let past memories come into my head and instead of pushing them away, I confronted them, felt the pain, and released it.
No matter how big or how small, if something in your life happens that causes you pain, you need to address it before it controls your life. This can be from talking to a therapist, a friend, or even just being able to be alone with your thoughts.
Each day is a new battle and you never know when past pain will resurface but you need to allow yourself to take the time to heal.
Friday, May 29, 2015
There have been many adventures since I've last posted on this blog. Since then, I've grown as a person and my interests have slightly shifted to less fashion and more of everyday living. I look forward to posting about lifestyles, food, spirituality and happiness, and other things that fuel my everyday living. Hopefully the people who still follow this blog will continue to grow with me.
With that, here are some of my recent favorite photographs pulled from my tumblr account (turquoiseinlove.tumblr.com) of the lifestyle and travels I hope to find in my life.